Is it possible to become addicted to someone? Definitely.

So, what's happened?

Back in January, Tommy suddenly got an exam from his school. The person handling his papers had screwed up and he even took one course too much. This meant he was free to start studying somewhere else. Like in my town. And there was a course he wanted to take. Oh my.

First, I expected to flip. Tommy, in MY town. But I didn't. I really tried to find any negative feelings about it, but couldn't. Instead, there were butterflies in my stomach. He wouldn't movie if I had anything against it, but I couldn't find any reasons why he shouldn't.

So he moved here, to the same area as I live in, and it felt great. If I wanted to be alone, we could be in our different apartments and if we wanted to see each other, it was just to take the short walk over to the other persons place. Nice, so nice.

The last few weeks, we have spent almost all time together. Most of the time in my place. He's served me coffee in bed every morning and done most of the dishes. Weee! Is it possible to find a better boyfriend? And everything's just so smooth. No fights, no bad feelings, just pure luck.

Before, I was exhausted after every phone call, after every visit. Now, I don't want him to go. Earlier today, I realized it's almost a bit frightening. What have happened to me? Am I no longer capable of living my own life?

It went so far that I stopped looking at all the lovely corset forums, corsetry and corsetmakers. Corsets are one of my passions, and I've missed it so much. But one day ago, I had absolutely no thought about it at all, I had totally forgotten about it. All because I don't want Tommy to see this blog.

Crap. I guess I'm addicted.

To clear my head a bit, I've decided to be alone today and tomorrow. Do whatever I want to do and get some stuff done that needs to be done.

I already miss him...

Remember my treat? It arrived yesterday! When I went to the post office, billions of negative thoughts rushed through my head. When I was back home, I had persuaded myself into believing it wouldn't fit. Very often, I have the problem with clothes being to small over my ass and my boobs, and I was so sure that this would be the case with the jacket. I had even thought about the best and cheapest way to send it back. Man was I surprised, it fits like a dream! Not too tight, there's still room for an extra jumper underneath, but fitted enough to look really good. I love it! It's more brownish in reality than in the pictures, but that doesn't bother me. I tried it on about ten times yesterday, I was so happy about having it! Today, I took it outdoors for the first time. It's really warm and will definitely be better than my old winter jacket! I'm soooo happy!

I've spent this day in school, studying. I have one last exam, then it's over for this time. I found out I passed the exam I had before Christmas, and that really cheered me up! In school, I went by the student's office and discussed which classes I should take this spring, so now that's finished too. I'm very pleased with what we came up with, and I look forward to start something new. When I finally decided to leave at 19 (7 pm), I was exhausted. But when I came to the door and looked out, it turned into surprise. It was snowing! Winter! Woooo! The snow was awfully wet and melted immediately, so the way home wasn't very nice. But still, snow!

I woke up way too late today, about 3 pm. After a lot of nightmares. Damn.

I didn't feel like cooking at all today, but decided to do it anyway. I tried out a new recipe for smoke-cured loin of pork with curry and exotic fruits. It turned out great and I'm happy I tried it. It was also very simple to do, simple is good when you have to wash by hand.

The exam preparations are slowly going forward, but there's still a lot to do. I didn't stick to the plan yesterday, so there's a massive workload waiting for me to be finished today. But there's one positive thing, and that's the treat I talked about in my last post. My mum's decided to pay for it if I pass both of my exams this period! Now, I really have a motivation. (It's kind of tragic that I need a piece of clothing to get moving, I know, but the thought of a finished education just doesn't do it for me.)

It's raining outside. What happened to the winter? I haven't seen a single snowflake. Usually, the first snow comes in November and then there's a cycle of melting, freezing and snowing. But this year, nothing. The temperature is between 0 C and +10 C. It shouldn't be like this, it haven't ever been like this before. Well, I admit I do hate snow (it's very hard to handle a bike in deep snow), but still, I miss the winter.

So far, I've been really good with my studying. I managed to fulfill the goals for yesterday (and even got more in detail than planned!) and the chances are pretty good for today's goals. It feels great, I got a chance at this exam!

I decided to give myself a treat if I pass, this charming piece. I'm so in love with it, th problem is the price. It costs 1749 sek, about 190 euro or 250 usd. Not very healthy for a student economy. But if I pass, my mother has promised me some of the money for it (thank you!) and I will be able to afford it. So in other words, I just have to pass the exam!

My freezer is almost empty by now. Two exam periods have started to show, so I decided to cook. I made Hungarian Goulash, one of my favorite courses. It turned out really nice, and I've already decided to cook some more tomorrow. Usually when I cook, I make like six or eight portions, eat one and put the rest in the freezer. In that way, I always have food when there's no time to make something. Hmm... I wonder what to make tomorrow.

I really hate the kids in this neighborhood. In this area, half of the people are students and the other half are mostly poor and uneducated. The non-student parts are pretty rough. For example, the school here have among the worst average grades in the whole country. Many of the kids are smoking and vandalizing. So far, they have broken my thermometer and thrown sticky stuff at my window. And from Saturday, they have been playing around with rockets nonstop. It feels like I'm living in a war zone, explosions and booms all the time. In Sweden it's forbidden by law to use rockets on other days than new year's eve, so they're even breaking the law. I've called the cops, but nothing happens. Annoying. Earlier, I saw them throwing lighted rockets at stuff. Not dangerous at all, especially not for by passers *hrm*. I almost hope some of them loose a finger or something...

After some thinking, I decided to tell Tommy about my thoughts. He didn't say much about it, but I wouldn't be surprised if it made him a little bit sad. Hopefully, we can work it out.

Today, I'm going to start studying for my next exam period. The first exam is in a week, and it would be really nice if I passed. But as always, it's really hard to get started. I have a hard time concentrating because of my depression, and that doesn't exactly make it easier.

I started to watch the movie The Da Vinci Code earlier this evening. After 27 minutes, I turned it off. It was so interesting, I decided I just have to read the book before watching the movie. I bought the book when it was released and haven't had the time or interest to read it. After hearing all the talk about the book I just assumed that I wouldn't like it. When the film came, I decided maybe that was more for me than the book. If the book sucked, then it would have felt better to only have spent the time it takes to watch the movie than the time it takes to read the book. But after 27 minutes, I was caught. If I had continued to watch, I would have known the end, and if I read the book I want to be happily unknowing. So the movie have to wait until I've read the book. I'm positively surprised.

Over to another code... I don't remember if I have talked about it, but things haven't been so good between me and Tommy the last months. I just feel numb. And yesterday, I found a piece of the puzzle that maybe will answer the question why. I watched old photos and found a very short film of him. We were sitting in a cafe and I was playing around with my camera. I told him I was going to take a picture, but instead I filmed him. He was lighting a cigarette with elegant moves, looking at me from almost closed eyes. Lending back, smiling at me. When I saw it, something broke inside. That was the man I love, the elegant, non caring and self assured. Nowadays, he's just weak and worn out, the elegance and self assurance is gone. I miss those things, they made him an equal. He was strong, a good match with my own strong will. And now he just feels weak. Did I do that? Did I change him? Or did he change to become a better person? I don't know. I just miss that elegant bad guy attitude. Does he need to go backwards in his development to become that person again? Will all the good things that came with the development disappear? Or does he just need someone that cares about him while he recovers his self assurance? And the most important question, should I tell him about this?

So this is it. I'm sitting alone in my apartment, staring at a computer screen. Well, I've been at a party this evening (of course!) but I went home, it was boring and no alcohol left for me. So now I'm here. Staring at my screen. What to do? I have more alcohol here, should I mix a drink? Or go to sleep? Maybe I should lay down in my bed and read (I'm still reading the Outlander-series, now I'm on the fifth book). I feel torn apart. Am I happy? I don't know. At all. There was a girl at the party who was part of a group which were going downtown to a club. She asked me like seven times if I wanted to come, but I said no. It was only one and a half hour till closing time and an expensive entrance fee. I just didn't feel like it. But it felt really good that she wanted me to come. Me me me. Of all people at the party. Yes, I know I'm tragic. I need more wine...

I had a best friend several years ago. We did everything together and had so much fun. But one summer, she got a boyfriend, and suddenly he was more fun than me. After some tears, the friendship ended.

I met her today. I was shopping for some groceries for my parents, and she was and the store. She smiled at me and said hello. She asked me what's up with my life and wished me a merry christmas. I was nice back to her and smiled. And it all felt so weird. When I was in the car on my way home, I had such a sad feeling. I felt like I wanted to cry, or at least just sit in a dark corner by myself. When I got home, I felt more happy about it. Maybe it's a good thing, now we don't need to hate each other any more. I wonder what she thinks about it. Was she happy to see me? To talk to me? Does she regret her behavior that summer? Or was she just polite. I don't know. I guess I just have to see what happens the next time I see her...

I'm what we in Sweden call "salongsberusad". I'm drunk, but in a good way and not too much. Just enough to make me warm and cosy. Me and my parents had some cheese, italian food and red wine. Very nice. This is one of the good things about being home.

Today, I ran around in different stores looking for gifts. Because of all my exams, I haven't had the time to buy it earlier, and today was my last chance. I think a finally managed to get some nice gifts, even though it took several hours. But I'm happy, and hopefully, so will my relatives be.

Tomorrow, I have my last exam before Christmas. It hunts me all the time, and as usual, I haven't studied enough. And now I just can't concentrate at all. I probably wont sleep much tonight...

Yesterday, I came home from my grandparents place. I've been there for a few days, trying to study. It usually goes pretty well, but this time it was harder. My grandmother have been after me all the time, complaining that I don't study enough. I've tried to explain to her that if I don't take a few minutes break every second hour, my head will explode. I remember two years ago, I couldn't allow myself to take breaks and I ended up with a failed exam, extreme insomnia and a horrible migraine for two weeks. In the end, she got so annoying that I traveled home one day earlier than planned.

I had such a strange dream two nights ago. I dreamed about a boy a grew up with. I felt very insecure and he hugged me, which felt so good. There was a really strong attraction between us and we held our faces close together, our noses and foreheads touching each other. I knew I had a boyfriend, but the feeling of his arms around me was so strong that I kissed him. It's weird, in real life, he died when he was 14. In my dream he looked older, but I knew it was him. When I was about 10, I had a big crush on him. Now, I finally got that kiss that I longed for 11 years ago...

I got a horrible hangover. It feels like my head will explode any minute now. Too much wine yesterday? No, I needed more, but now I can feel every drop of it pulsating behind my forehead. From the beginning, the plan was to get drunk tonight too, but I changed my mind since I have the possibility to drive and since I will be meeting my grandparents early tomorrow. Feels a bit stupid to have a hangover at their place...

A few years ago, a friends father told me I look extremely much like Bibi Andersson. Here are some pictures. I wonder if that's true. When I look at pictures of here, I don't see myself. But I do see small pieces of my brother and my cousin. Interesting.

I think I'm going to read a little bit now. Maybe that will calm down the headache. I continued reading that book I talked about earlier, and now I'm halfway through the second book.

I managed to clear some things up with Tommy, but the discussion isn't over yet. It's so frustrating having to explain to him that I want to be alone right now.

I want to continue to read in my book. It's a great book, I read it several years ago and loved it. But I have a great fear of reading more stuff that will make me frustrated. Damn.

It's funny, I just finished the part above, and then Tommy writes to me, saying he can't stand me not wanting to talk. What part of that doesn't he get? I know that if I try to talk to him, he will accuse me of being ignorant and selfish and that he just wont let the earlier discussion go. I can't stand it, I just can't. I need time, and I can't defend myself without getting even more frustrated and angry if we talk tonight.

I'm in a little better mood now, but not completely normal. I have watched the last episode of Medium, which is one of my favorite shows. I'm so happy about the new season, I was afraid it would end with the last one. Now, I'm going to watch the last episode of Desperate Housewives, and hopefully, that will cheer me up a little bit more. the_bats_meow recommended me to watch The Color Purple, and maybe I can have it downloaded in a few hours. It's looking better.

Tommy keeps on sending messages over icq. I'm ignoring them, it's not the time to talk right now. It would only make me more frustrated. It feels like we're fighting pretty much. It's just small things, but still, it can't be good. I wonder if it's my fault.

I'm obsessed with the song We Are One (Mirror Split Up Into Pieces) by Project Pitchfork. I like the music so much, and the lyrics are brilliant. I listen to it over and over again. If you haven't heard it, download it!

I'm so angry at the moment.

First, I'm reading a book called Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. It's a lovely book, it's well written and the story is fascinating. But, in it, a girl called Claire get punished by her husband. He hits her with a leather strap for something, that in my opinion, wasn't that bad at all. She gets so hurt that she can't sit down at all for several days. How the hell can he do that to someone he loves? It's brutal and sadistic. Sure, I can understand if a child get a punishment for something (it's in 1743, it was legal and very common), but a grown woman? No way. But the worst thing is that she's slowly forgiving him. How can you forgive that? I wouldn't. I would refuse to talk to him, refuse to do anything he could gain from and stay away as far as possible. She loves him, but that's not just reason enough to justify such actions. And in my opinion, she's innocent.

Second, my mum called just a minute ago. She kept on talking about one of my exams, complaining about me not studying enough and putting a lot of pressure on me. It's not the first time either. So annoying, can't she just keep her mouth shut about those things? It's not her life, it's not her education. I was already upset about the book, so I screamed at her and turned of the phone.

Third, I talked to Tommy earlier. We had a small fight about morals and other things. He dislikes my behavior and I dislike the way he says he would react if I behaved like that against him. I think my behavior is perfectly fine, none have reacted other than him and none has complained. And he says that if I acted the same way to him, he would be aggressive and maybe try to hit me. In my opinion, you don't hit anyone for any reason, you just don't. And when he says it like that, it sounds so much like "wannabe macho", and I associate that with the guys I knew when I was way younger. So immature and stupid. Finally, I tried to end the discussion, but he just couldn't let it go. He just refused to see that it wouldn't lead anywhere, I think we just have to accept each other the way we are. And he just kept on arguing, making me even more upset.

I need to cool down. Maybe a movie? Something where I don't have to talk to anybody. Fuck them.

I feel awful. I've worked extremely many hours in a row and it's like there's nothing left of me. My whole body is hurting. I slept the entire day, trying to recover, but my body still isn't working the way it should. If I get out of bed, it feels like some of my body parts will fall off. At the moment, I'm laying in my bed with my laptop, I'm not even able to sit in front of my stationary computer.

I talked to Tommy earlier. I screamed at him yesterday for no reason, it just felt good. Now, he was wondering why, so I said it was because of stress about work, which is only partially true. I've realized that I do this sometimes, and I don't know why. I guess I'm still a little fed up with him after last time I met him, but still, he's my boyfriend and I shouldn't feel that way. He also told me he missed me a lot and would give anything to be able to have me in his arms at that moment. I've heard it before, and I answered like I usually do: "I want to be in your arms too". But the moment I said it, I felt it wasn't true. Right now, I want to be alone and to be able to do whatever I want. I don't want having to entertain someone or having to do something I don't feel like. I only want to lay here, alone, and to be able to do anything I feel like. Am I a bad girlfriend? I have no idea.

I hate to know that a new week is beginning tomorrow. New things to do and new things that has to be done. I need an extra day to just sleep and recover, but I guess that wont happen.

Well, I'm at work at the moment, but there's nothing to do, except lifting heavy things. And I'm forbidden by my doctor to do that. So now, I'm just bored. I could have slept an extra half an hour. Or maybe an whole hour depending on how this is going. Argh. And I was so tired I wasn't hungry at all, and therefore didn't manage to have any breakfast. And now I'm hungry.

I hate to get out of bed early on a saturday. But I have to work. The whole fuckin' day. And I did only get 5 hours of sleep this night. So annoying. I want to sleep. I need to sleep. Crap.

I saw an article earlier about those shoes, and it seems like everyone in Hollywood is wearing them. Now they don't seem to be as attractive any longer. I don't want to have something that everybody else walks around in. Damn, I really liked those heels (not that I could afford a pair, but anyway...)

Today, I've been really lazy. So far, I've played some games, watched two episodes of Desperate Housewives and had some coffee. It took several hours to just but some clothing on. I had one class and one meeting today, and missed them both. I'm lazy, but at the same time filled with guilt. Is it possible to be a better person?

Maybe I should try to study a little bit. We filled in a form in my last class about our study habits, and I was filled with horror when I looked at my answers. I almost doesn't study at all. And that's supposed to be my full time job. And I can't really blame my other commitments, well, they do take time but not that much time. Time to open the books...

Christian Louboutin makes the coolest shoes. I'm in love! Too bad it's so extremely expensive. I want to be rich! Maybe one day...

Look at the heels! *drooling*

To continue the previous post: I found this text. I can relate to some more stuff, but there's a lot that I can't relate to at all. Maybe I'm not a Histrionic, or maybe I'm not that general...

On to something fun: Shopping!
When I was away last weekend, I spent a whole day in the stores looking for clothes and shoes. I don't actually need anything, but for once I got money, and it would be nice with some new stuff. I ended up with an extremely cute nightdress from Cubus. It's sand colored with a cute cut and lace. (Well, that's something I actually needed, my old favorite's not in one piece any longer...) I also found a dress at MQ, it's black with a big floral pattern in red and white. It looks almost a little Asia inspired. I can't wait to use it, too bad I wont be able to this week. I also bought new make up from my favorite store, Make Up Store. Two grey eye shadows, one light and one dark and an eye shadow brush. Nice.

I found some jacket inspiration. ( Look! )

The winter is getting closer, and with it comes the darkness. It was getting dark outside when I finished school half an hour ago. And with the darkness comes the depression. I can feel that I'm getting more blue and I have a hard time to cope with stress and pressure. And the panic is coming back. My pills usually takes care of all this, but when it gets worse they don't keep up.

This weekend, I fled to two of my best friends. After a week with Tommy 24/7 I was exhausted. I need a lot of space and you can't get that one someone else lives in your miniature apartment with you. Me and my friends just hung out a lot, relaxing and talking. So nice, they're lovely. One night, we were playing video games. I was looking in a psychology book owned by my friends girlfriend. It's been an internal joke for many years now that I might be suffering from Borderline. So I looked it up. Not as many things match my personality anymore, only about half of the symptoms. But next to it was an even more interesting text about HPD, Histrionic Personality Disorder. I've done this test before as a joke, and I recognize HPD from my test result. So I started to read. I had to read it twice to really get everything in. They described me in every detail. I have almost all of the symptoms.

The symptoms:
(a) Self-dramatization, theatricality, exaggerated expression of emotions - I'm always overreacting, both in the way I act and in the way I feel. If I tell a story, I want it to sound better than it is. If someone hurt me, I get more hurt than appropriate.
(b) Suggestibility, easily influenced by others or by circumstances - I've always wanted to be one of "the cool kids". When I was younger, my highest dream was to be popular. Nowadays, I just want to have friends and for others to see that I have friend.
(c) Shallow and labile affectivity - Labile is one of my keywords. Together with the overreacting, it gets really ugly.
(d) Continual seeking for excitement, appreciation by others, and activities in which the patient is the center of attention - See (b). If I'm not in the center, I feel ignored and disliked.
(e) Inappropriate seductiveness in appearance or behavior - This is something that unknown people have informed me about. I remember this spring, me and some friends was at a party when one guy suddenly says I'm flirting with him and four of my friends. I wasn't, but apparently it seemed like it. And it's not the first time I've heard that...
(f) Over-concern with physical attractiveness - Both in myself and in others. Extremely shallow, I know. But I can't help it.

Maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe I'm just depressed and looking for an excuse for that. I don't know.